It’s funny how sometimes a certain event or injury can trigger such a strong emotion, for some it could be the loss of an acquaintance, for others it could be a great amount of pain that causes you not to be able to do anything. For me it’s the latter, and today’s topic.
This is the now the 4th time I’ve thrown my back out in the last year and a half, and the worst of all 4. The last 3 times I took a muscle relaxer, a couple of days off work for rest, and a heating pad and I was fine. This time however, I tried that and it didn’t work. I went to physical therapy, that didn’t help either. I tried 2 different anti inflammatory meds no help there either, the muscle relaxers have long since stopped helping leaving me to be in constant pain and limiting me from standing for any more than 5 minutes at a time really. Which you may think, “oh it’s not that bad”. Well it’s been almost a month since this happened, it’s getting old, and it’s dragging me down with it.
The crazy array of emotions that I go through on a daily basis lately honestly scares the hell out of me. One minute I’m depressed, the next I’m happy as can be, rinse and repeat. The fact that I can’t help make dinner, or take out the trash, or help carry in groceries makes me feel bad enough, the worse part however is that simply bending over to tie my shoe, or pick something that I dropped up off the ground is something that I struggle with when a month ago it wasn’t an issue, terrifies me. I see what one of my friends is going through with their back, and when the doctors tell me that it’s muscular and that it’ll go away within a week or two, and now I’m a month into this, and it’s getting worse scares the living hell out of me. I’m really starting to think that it’s not a muscular issue and we’ll find out tomorrow what Dr Number 3 says it is. The thought of it being something more serious and me having to miss MORE work, and being able to do less to help around the house, has spun me into one of the biggest depressed states of mind that I’ve been in in almost 10 years. I have never felt so, I don’t even know, helpless? I guess, for lack of a better explanation of how I’m feeling.
I don’t know how to beat this, I can surround myself with as many good people, and as many good things as I possibly can, and yet I still feel uneasy about this, I’m still really downtrodden because it feels like I can’t do anything. I know this has to be incredibly frustrating for those around me who interact with me more so than anyone else, I.E my co-workers, my managers, my roommate, and most of all my future wife. These thoughts of how much I must be frustrating them only seem to drag me down further into the darkest pit of this nonsense called depression.
For those that have known me for a long time, you know that I don’t like feeling or being helpless, you know I don’t often ask for help, advice yes help…no to a fault, I admit it. This, this is where my own insecurities with asking other people to help me gets me in trouble. It’s because that I have a hard time asking for help that I feel the way that I do to a certain extent. It’s the reason I probably waited way too long to see a doctor, I hate doctors (but that’s an entirely different post all together, maybe tomorrow? Who knows) so I didn’t bother to find a doctor until I was way past when I probably should have. I feel like the worse person in the world asking my future wife for help, although if I knew she had a problem with helping me then we probably wouldn’t be engaged, right? Yet I still can’t bring myself to ask her for help 90% of the time.
Here’s the deal okay, I have NOTHING for which to enrich the lives of others with tonight. Tonight’s post was for me, it was so that I could get what was on my mind off it, and on to paper and out of my head. I couldn’t torture myself with these thoughts for another day without going off the deep end.
So my dear readers, I leave you with this quote from Sir Winston Churchill
” Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.”
Until tomorrow…
George.
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